have you ever wanted to erase everything you remember?
maybe not completely everything, but pull out the broken memories and parts and leave a hole in place?
have you ever hit the ground so hard you decide to stand up for the first time?
taken a breath of fresh air that finally fills your soul and reveals the beauty that was blocked by a sky full of grey clouds?
have you ever stepped back to see yourself wither away in the arms of someone you love?
have you ever realized your faith is completely gone but remembered it was never there in the first place?
no matter how far the spiral takes you, embrace it. close your eyes and drown yourself in the darkness
Evan, there are SO many reasons why I love this.
ReplyDelete“…but to pull out the broken memories and parts and leave a hole in place.” Your choice of the word “hole” is incredibly meaningful. Indeed, taking out parts would leave a hole – yet taking out what is broken, leaves us whole. I am so moved.
And then, to follow it with, “have you ever hit the ground so hard you decide to stand up for the first time?”… Is something only someone who has truly hit rock bottom understands. One would casually think that the harder you “hit”, the more apt one is to stay down. But human will and strength proves otherwise – it is fate taunting us to remain down that drives the human spirit to rise up – above it all.
To truly embrace these days – this is a lesson that took me 45 years to learn. Not to fight them, not to make them into something they are not, not to cover them up with plastic smiles, fake identities or acts in avoidance. Often times people think that by allowing ourselves to experience these days, by being vulnerable we somehow admit to our failing and wave the white flag of hopelessness; in the end, succumbing to a life of dark days. QUITE THE CONTRARY!! It’s in our being vulnerable and allowing these experiences to remain part of who we are, that we become free. True freedom. Which in turn liberates, energizes, and creates space for us to truly be who we are - and to move forward to what life really has to offer. We become BETTER than we were before.
This is how I see YOU, Evan. And you simply amaze me.
You have the most amazing way with words. There is so much nobility and love pouring out of you, I love reading or hearing anything that comes from your head. I'm not in a state of depression or anything like that, I just finally hit a moment where I decided I needed to make a change for Evan. It wasn't for anyone else in my life, it was myself saying "what the fuck are you doing?" and realizing that I was sick of some of the ways I was living. The strangest part, and it still trips me up, is how the thought just came out of nowhere. I didn't prepare for it, I didn't do anything to enable it, it just took all these years of wasting myself away to lead up to that night sitting on my bed thinking. I now find myself pulling positive things from people I used to go to for negative things, and every morning I wake up feels so much better. My life has taken a serious turn, it's like for the first time I can really breathe. Life feels and seems so beautiful and pure, it's like nothing ever before. I was trying to put down some feelings from what has happened to me & also just some points of where my mentality is a lot of the time..maybe something most people wouldn't expect to hear. I now find more joy in being sober, and for once I feel like the sober Evan is so, so, so much better than addicted, struggling Evan. I just am amazed at the support and love I have received from so many people, regardless if they knew about my troubles or not. I didn't prepare for this at all, it just happened and I am going to ride it out until I breathe in that last breath of air. Thank you so much for reading my posts, you are one of my closest and greatest friends.
ReplyDeleteLife is good. So, so good.
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