Thursday, November 24, 2011

the clouds take five for a day

this morning has taken a drastic turn, from late last night to roughly 6am this morning I was battling a pretty severe migraine, but after some medication, a hot shower (with the lights off i may add, which was pretty scary...i kept thinking to the "here piggy, pig, pig" bit from American Horror Story...freaked me the fuck out pretty badly) and a cigarette, the pain started to clear. i usually am slightly pessimistic when it comes to "holiday cheer" but thanksgiving is always a different holiday for me. i find a feeling of simplicity in it. unlike christmas, there isn't the gift mentality present. it's being around friends, family, talking and sharing stories over a great plate of food. it's a time to remember that those simple things in life hold much more water than material things and gifts do, and being around people you love is one of the most important things we can attain. i also find myself in an interesting spot here in St. Paul MN. I am sort of in the middle of every great situation I could ever wish for. When I need alone time or isolation for my own sanity, I can just stay home, wrapped tightly in a blanket in my apartment, or when I need to see some beautiful faces and talk about what's been on my mind I can drive 50 minutes to New Richmond, WI to see all of my great, lovely Wisconsin-ites. and when I need to get back home to see my family and sit in the old "neck of the woods", I can drive down to Westbrook and hang out with mom for a few a days. I really have all I could ever want in three simple locations, and it's a day like today that I realize how lucky I am for the friends and family I have in my life. As I start to get a little older, the more I realize how important all of these people are in my life and how excited I am when I get to share a cup of coffee and a few stories of what's been going on lately and all the interesting things I get to see on a daily basis in St. Paul. and how could I forget all the great friends I have and friendships I've made in the past couple years, nothing is better than hanging out with tyler, koehler, ashley, cheyenne, and who ever else comes into the picture on a friday or saturday night that is nothing short of exciting. these are some of my best and closest friends, even if we don't see each other that much. so many of the fun times and experiences have been shared with close friends and family, but I wouldn't be anywhere without the unconditional love I feel and receive from my lovely girlfriend Anna May, the best friend I've found in my so far short walk of life. I could go on and on and on about all the beautiful memories we have shared, but it's a day like this that all those memories shine the brightest. I hope to anyone that reads this has a great Thanksgiving, and don't forget all the great people in your life that you hopefully will get to spend the day with

Saturday, November 12, 2011


my lack of sleep always plants a new seed on my "dashboard" page of my somewhat managed blog. not to lay my cards down too early, but really...there is no grand motive behind this post. nothing buzzing on my mind at the moment, i think for the most part my mind is in a calm, settled state..and i also think that my lack of capitalization and excess punctuation backs up my previously made point. i didn't really force myself to write anything, i have just been realizing many things lately, and thinking more than usual. for myself, this time of the year is a time when i try to slow things down and push everything away for a short time. spring time is a blur, for the most part, because the last semester is wrapping up and the excitement of the word "summer" starts to become a vivid reality much sooner than planned. summer flies by, with many drunken nights and soft-spoken conversations around campfires and cups of coffee. but it's autumn that grabs my attention the most, and yells "slow down!" very loudly in my ear. it's this time of the year that i start to think on decisions made in months past, and for this past year i have found one re-occurring word pop it's head out of the shadows....moderation. now, years ago, if you were to sit down in a person-to-person conversation with me (something similar to what i get to have with the love of my life quite often) and mentioned this word, it would slowly start to make me uncomfortable which may have resulted in an 'emergency phone call' that would allow me out of the room. for years, this image of myself has been portrayed as a loose cannon, don't really give a fuck about anything, type of guy. now, i'm not saying that person has completely dissolved (come on, i haven't even made it to twenty yet ;) but things have taken a slight turn. it was this time last year i started to involve myself into a plethora of chemicals and other things, and really started to loosen the nuts & bolts on what was barely holding me together. i'm not here to preach against anything i did, because quite honestly after listening to many people older & much wiser than me, these are the years that one looks for love, fun, and excitement..and i did find that, quite easily somehow. but that word, that horrid, ugly word that i used to hate has become something very important to me...moderation..hmm. even though this is a word that relies heavily on the context it is squished in-between, i think the meaning rings true to many things i am slowly finding out were "out of whack" if you will, in my own life. a few days ago, i was lying awake at 2 am in western wisconsin and started to think about why i have made some of the slight decisions for myself in previous months and i started to notice that my focus isn't truly where it should be...i believe that when you are making decisions you know will please the people around you, you focus more on a time span of staying true to something, rather than being aware of the situations you wish to stay away from. in the end, it really isn't about a number of days, it is about keeping something out of your daily life because day-to-day life & weekend life are two totally different things. leave the partying aspect out of it, people take time on the weekend to catch up or do something they couldn't do during the week because the focus of daily life is a completely different animal. the more i have pondered these thoughts, the more i realize that letting loose at certain times and not wanting to do it at other certain times is the balance we should shoot for. locking chains down on yourself to keep a work, work, work mentality 24/7 is only going to burn you out in the end and send you in a whirlwind back to where you started off. and the greatest thing is, having a different approach to your week vs weekend isn't a "cop out" and/or doesn't justify a person from partaking in certain things, it just keeps a healthy moderation to your own sanity. so the next time you think you have fucked up on a certain day or broke a certain streak, don't just start over. realize that every thing has it's right place, and once you reach that place, don't hesitate to let loose
"oh, isn't it strange how we move our lives for another day? like skipping a beat. what if a great wave should wash us all away?"