Hey everyone. I haven't posted for awhile, so I thought I would write something up. Well, I have officially finished my first year of college. Though it is a very exciting achievement, I find a vast sense of fear. So much of my high school to college transition feels lost. Like there was a giant blur and BAM, I am one year away from finishing college. I am trying to grasp the reality of what happens from now on, but I still get a little tripped up. Besides finishing my classes, I haven't been doing a whole lot. I have found some recent hope with UPS, it was really nice to finally hear something back from a place I applied at. Besides that, I have been spending a lot of time with my Anna May and also some new compadres at Ashley's house. I can say I am pretty happy with my life right now.
I am also stumbling down a road to discovering more of myself than I already know. For so much of my life, I have been a very impressionable person who jumps to the qualities of other people rather than my own. I have always had people I look up to, whether I have a daily acquaintance with them or not, and sometimes wished I was more like them. In early years of your life, this may be a normal thing but I still find myself struggling with it to this day. Slowly evolving into a musician has been a wonderful thing, but as I sit and ponder the past years of my life I realize that it has hurt me in some ways. Yes, I have grown as a person in many ways, but it really dumped a new pile of people to look up to on my plate. If you are friends with me on facebook, it is pretty obvious who I am "in to" at any minute of the day. I have had this issue for a lot of years and never really dealt with it. I just let it keep piling up until I mentally feel like someone else, not myself. It took some words from a close person in my life to sort of give me a mental slap in the face.
I don't hate that I have influences and what not, but I do feel like I am enthralled by other people much more than myself. Mood swing after mood swing, occasional dips into depression have had an effect on me and helped me realize what I need to deal with as a person. The joy of music and playing the guitar feels like a fading mist. I am so captivated by how it felt the first time that I still sometimes search for that same feeling, something that will never return. I have devoted so many hours to six steel strings and a couple hunks of wood that I feel I have numbed so much of myself. It almost feels like a never ending cycle.
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