my lack of sleep always plants a new seed on my "dashboard" page of my somewhat managed blog. not to lay my cards down too early, but really...there is no grand motive behind this post. nothing buzzing on my mind at the moment, i think for the most part my mind is in a calm, settled state..and i also think that my lack of capitalization and excess punctuation backs up my previously made point. i didn't really force myself to write anything, i have just been realizing many things lately, and thinking more than usual. for myself, this time of the year is a time when i try to slow things down and push everything away for a short time. spring time is a blur, for the most part, because the last semester is wrapping up and the excitement of the word "summer" starts to become a vivid reality much sooner than planned. summer flies by, with many drunken nights and soft-spoken conversations around campfires and cups of coffee. but it's autumn that grabs my attention the most, and yells "slow down!" very loudly in my ear. it's this time of the year that i start to think on decisions made in months past, and for this past year i have found one re-occurring word pop it's head out of the shadows....moderation. now, years ago, if you were to sit down in a person-to-person conversation with me (something similar to what i get to have with the love of my life quite often) and mentioned this word, it would slowly start to make me uncomfortable which may have resulted in an 'emergency phone call' that would allow me out of the room. for years, this image of myself has been portrayed as a loose cannon, don't really give a fuck about anything, type of guy. now, i'm not saying that person has completely dissolved (come on, i haven't even made it to twenty yet ;) but things have taken a slight turn. it was this time last year i started to involve myself into a plethora of chemicals and other things, and really started to loosen the nuts & bolts on what was barely holding me together. i'm not here to preach against anything i did, because quite honestly after listening to many people older & much wiser than me, these are the years that one looks for love, fun, and excitement..and i did find that, quite easily somehow. but that word, that horrid, ugly word that i used to hate has become something very important to me...moderation..hmm. even though this is a word that relies heavily on the context it is squished in-between, i think the meaning rings true to many things i am slowly finding out were "out of whack" if you will, in my own life. a few days ago, i was lying awake at 2 am in western wisconsin and started to think about why i have made some of the slight decisions for myself in previous months and i started to notice that my focus isn't truly where it should be...i believe that when you are making decisions you know will please the people around you, you focus more on a time span of staying true to something, rather than being aware of the situations you wish to stay away from. in the end, it really isn't about a number of days, it is about keeping something out of your daily life because day-to-day life & weekend life are two totally different things. leave the partying aspect out of it, people take time on the weekend to catch up or do something they couldn't do during the week because the focus of daily life is a completely different animal. the more i have pondered these thoughts, the more i realize that letting loose at certain times and not wanting to do it at other certain times is the balance we should shoot for. locking chains down on yourself to keep a work, work, work mentality 24/7 is only going to burn you out in the end and send you in a whirlwind back to where you started off. and the greatest thing is, having a different approach to your week vs weekend isn't a "cop out" and/or doesn't justify a person from partaking in certain things, it just keeps a healthy moderation to your own sanity. so the next time you think you have fucked up on a certain day or broke a certain streak, don't just start over. realize that every thing has it's right place, and once you reach that place, don't hesitate to let loose
"oh, isn't it strange how we move our lives for another day? like skipping a beat. what if a great wave should wash us all away?"