Saturday, April 30, 2011


   Hey everyone. I haven't posted for awhile, so I thought I would write something up. Well, I have officially finished my first year of college. Though it is a very exciting achievement, I find a vast sense of fear. So much of my high school to college transition feels lost. Like there was a giant blur and BAM, I am one year away from finishing college. I am trying to grasp the reality of what happens from now on, but I still get a little tripped up. Besides finishing my classes, I haven't been doing a whole lot. I have found some recent hope with UPS, it was really nice to finally hear something back from a place I applied at. Besides that, I have been spending a lot of time with my Anna May and also some new compadres at Ashley's house. I can say I am pretty happy with my life right now.
   I am also stumbling down a road to discovering more of myself than I already know. For so much of my life, I have been a very impressionable person who jumps to the qualities of other people rather than my own. I have always had people I look up to, whether I have a daily acquaintance with them or not, and sometimes wished I was more like them. In early years of your life, this may be a normal thing but I still find myself struggling with it to this day. Slowly evolving into a musician has been a wonderful thing, but as I sit and ponder the past years of my life I realize that it has hurt me in some ways. Yes, I have grown as a person in many ways, but it really dumped a new pile of people to look up to on my plate. If you are friends with me on facebook, it is pretty obvious who I am "in to" at any minute of the day. I have had this issue for a lot of years and never really dealt with it. I just let it keep piling up until I mentally feel like someone else, not myself. It took some words from a close person in my life to sort of give me a mental slap in the face.
   I don't hate that I have influences and what not, but I do feel like I am enthralled by other people much more than myself. Mood swing after mood swing, occasional dips into depression have had an effect on me and helped me realize what I need to deal with as a person. The joy of music and playing the guitar feels like a fading mist. I am so captivated by how it felt the first time that I still sometimes search for that same feeling, something that will never return. I have devoted so many hours to six steel strings and a couple hunks of wood that I feel I have numbed so much of myself. It almost feels like a never ending cycle.


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  2. Evan - truly the most honest thing I have ever heard you say or have seen you write. This ability to "see" things in a different light is the very first step in change. And it's a very hopeful step!! I read something not too long ago that I am trying to do as well...
    In this time of "working on things", Tell yourself "I AM" and just try really hard to just leave it at that. Don't add anything to it. So you are not saying, "I AM..." you are saying, I AM." Try to have moments in your day when you just "Are". No strings attached, no thoughts of what you should be, no judgments - Just be. In the quiet space that that creates, THERE you will find what you really are. And it will excite you beyond measure.
    I am so proud of you Evan. You are such a beautiful, amazing human being. I am excited to know YOU...not those you have "piled on".
    Wow - one year of college and 20 years of wisdom...not bad! ;-)

  3. sorry i haven't responded to this for so long. thank you so much for the response. if there is one person to write something back, i always know who it is. your words reflect what i tried to put down greatly & i could not ask for wiser words :) i love you